I have the poorest self esteem right now. Even though I’m openly Agender I still feel as though there’s some mold I have to fill day to day and I cannot. I look at my clothes and put them on and become disappointed with the prospect of a cute outfit if I’m feeling more feminine because I don’t feel feminine enough in what I’m wearing. I don’t like to present hyper masculine (and would never be able to even with a binder because I’m too curvy in places where cisgender women are) and I don’t feel like I’m skinny enough to present androgynous. I haven’t found my identity in anything yet and it’s bringing me down that I can’t wake up and be happy with who I am. I’ve done the whole, cut my hair, colour my hair buy some new clothes (not that I bought a lot with the small amount of money I can’t spend on that) but it hasn’t helped yet. My hair feels too boyish. I don’t hate it but I don’t love it. I found comfort in my previous style, and not I’m scared to look different. At this point it’s about growing it out and getting something else that’s different until I land on what I can see in the mirror and smile be like “hey that cutie is me” but I’m not even close to there yet and being born and presenting as a cisgender woman for so many years has still severely fucked up my perception of how I do and want to identify.

Hi, hello.

Most of you know me as a blogger who makes content like gifs sometimes (but can’t anymore because lack of computer sufficient for making said gifs), but mostly of cult or small fandoms (TRON, Tintin, Ghostbusters, other random movies) but also things like Star Wars.

I’m also the person who’s hoarding the padmeamidala URL. Ha.

Anywho, to make a long story short:

I’ve discovered and come to terms with the fact that I am agender.

I moved out only a couple of months ago from living with my parents, whom I am incredibly close with, but have realized a lot of my body image “issues” haven’t been what would be considered to be a normal cis-female body image issues.

I have always fantasized more masculine outfits in my mind, especially when out shopping saying to myself “(cis male in my life) would look great in that”, but knowing more so that it’s because I personally like it.

Having cosplayed male characters during the short time I cosplayed on a consistent basis, I got more of a feel for wearing a binder and dressing more masculine, basically looking more masculine/androgynous.

Some days I get all gussied up for work and think “Damn, I look fine as well” with a face full of makeup and showing off my natural curves and just feeling femme as fuck.

Other days, I dress in what I think I should be wearing, the femme figure all my clothes are built for, but what I really want to do is wear oversized or boxier looking clothing, pants that don’t hug every inch of my body and just overall wanting to look more masculine.

The more reading and research I do, the more dysphoria I experience on a day to day basis, the more I realize that this is who I really am. There are so many other societal norms I was raised around and with, that it’s been a gradual realization for so much. I realized I was demisexual a couple of years ago. I thought I was asexual, but it took until being in a relationship after four years that I was demi. I have now realized though that I am demipansexual at the same time as realizing I am agender.

I no longer will be associating with my birth name (it does not give me a whole lot of dysphoria to be called by it, especially because most people don’t call me by it on a regular base) and will be pursuing changing it legally within the next couple of years. I will continue to go by she/her pronouns as well.

My name is Geode. I’m agender. I’m demipansexual. I’m valid and I matter no matter what.

P.S. I have not come out to my parents yet, as this will be difficult for them I think. I do not know whether to dive right in and just tell them, as I am close with them. During the early childhood bullying I endured, they were always there to support and defend me (especially because the adults handling the situations, be it school faculty or the parents of said bully’s) and have since become my closest confidants. I do not feel obligated to tell them everything because they’re my parents, I feel obligated and the want to tell them everything because they understand so many parts of me and my nuances that no one ever will. They know how I tick.